What's next?

Surfing the Waves of Uncertainty

I’m writing from my living room, lying on the pink sofa I love so much. It’s a typical Sunday: the apartment smells of incense, I’m sipping chamomile tea, and soft, calming melodies play in the background.

There’s something soothing about logging onto Substack and reading other people’s entries; maybe that’s what inspired me to write now, even though I don’t have much to say (or maybe I have too much to say and don’t know where to begin?).

Right now, I should be preparing to return to work after my vacation. Yet after eight years of working nonstop in a career that never resonated with me, I find myself suspended in the strange, unfamiliar space of unemployment limbo. A voice inside me whispers that taking this break was the right decision; that I needed to empty myself out in order to fill myself up again with a life that is more aligned with who I am. Another voice whispers that rethinking my life and career in the current global scenario and the context of my own country is insane. But if not now, when? The urge to do something different has been with me for years, and right now I don’t want to make decisions out of fear. Will I feel as certain in a few months as I do today? I don’t know. Perhaps the fear of not having enough money will win out, or perhaps I’ll finally find a job that doesn’t slowly damage my mental health.

Everything feels uncertain, yet so exciting. For the first time in my life, I’m allowing myself the time to decide what to do next. I only have a couple of months to experiment before I use up all the money I have left. I don’t know how this experiment will end, but I know this: I feel so much more alive and curious about the world around me since I took this pause.

In the last two months I’ve read six books, gone for walks alone several times (I had really missed that), and started using my sketchbook again in a completely different way. I’ve meditated and done yoga for more than forty days straight. I feel more creative, curious, and present. I’m aware that this period without a stable job may not last forever, but it has given me a pause I needed, a chance to detox from a version of my life that no longer fit.

Tomorrow I’m going to stay at a friend’s house to look after her cats while she travels for a week, and it suddenly dawned on me that, for the first time in five years, I’ll be completely alone in another city. I’ve been thinking a lot about the walks I’d like to take and the dates I’d like to have with myself during those days. I want to capture everything that catches my eye in my sketchbook. I’d like to pay attention to everything: overheard conversations, the architecture of unfamiliar streets, and moments of people watching. Maybe, in doing so, I’ll find inspiration to create new stories.

Why has the world felt so vast and expansive in recent months? The fear of the unknown is there, but so is curiosity. I want to embrace this strange phase I’m experiencing right now.

I’ve been obsessed with Olivia Dean’s music lately, and I think this song describes what I’m going through pretty well.