Back in 2016 I was studying for a major I didn’t like. Nothing about it made sense to me, but I was really young and ignorant, so I thought it was the only career path I could choose based on my skills at the time. I loved making art, but I was convinced it wasn’t for me, at least professionally speaking. Besides, I wanted financial stability more than anything, and being a freelance artist in the future sounded too risky to me. I turned art into just a hobby for a long time and did what I should do at my age according to society, or at least, to the opinions of the ones around me. But in secret I looked at artists on social media and loved imagining how my life could’ve been if I had chosen art or illustration as a career.
There was a day when I visited a very special and artistic place in the capital city with a friend. I remember feeling both inspired and envious of the artists showing and selling their art in the streets and at art galleries. We walked in a street that was surrounded by watercolor paintings, comics, handcrafts, books, and vinyls. I could feel my heart telling me exactly what to do and the path to follow. But I said to myself I was satisfied enjoying art as a simple spectator. Being an artist like those people wasn’t an option for me; I couldn’t afford a life in which I followed an uncertain path. So I looked away, and I didn’t listen to my heart for years.
The other day I walked in the same street with some friends and my girlfriend, who are all creative people. We were heading to a friend’s book launch when I realized it was the same place from years ago. I felt nostalgic and thoughtful. So much has changed since then. I looked at the handcrafts, books, and watercolor paintings around me, and suddenly I realized that ten years later I had become an illustrator and author.
The life I wanted
When I finished my major, I remember thinking to myself, “Please choose the artist’s path this time.” I had watched so many videos on YouTube about illustrators and their lives while studying, and I was fascinated by the idea of becoming a serious illustrator myself. But then adulthood arrived, and with it came the typical bills and responsibilities, so I ended up working in the field I studied for years, and art became a hobby again. Later, I studied a master’s degree in my major, and then I saw my future.
I hated it.
I promised myself that I’d become a serious and committed artist someday. I’d have an art exhibition, I’d sell my illustrations, and I’d become that kind of person who isn’t boring and knows how to enjoy her life. The “best” future version of myself was something like this list (everything was based on Tumblr posts and photos I shared on my blog at the time haha):
She wakes up very early in the morning in a small and cozy apartment
She plays some records
She savors every sip of her coffee/tea
She reads many books
She writes in her journal
She creates art, comics, and illustrations and makes a living out of it
She practices a sport/ does yoga
She has one or two cats
She often attends art galleries, art exhibitions, and loves and contemplates art in general
Basically, the ideal life in my head was based on this picture and phrase I loved so much:
That was the life I wanted and the person I wanted to become, and then I could be happy. I remember I wrote on a paper and stuck it to the wall:
“Build a life you don’t need to escape from.”
The present
Going to the same place years later made me wonder if I kept my word and created the life I promised myself to have. And the short answer is yes and no.
The longer answer is that many unexpected things happened, and I changed a lot as a person too. My values, my worldview, and my priorities have changed a lot since then. I had to make decisions I hadn’t taken into consideration at the time, like falling in love and living with a partner, for example (yes, I envisioned myself as a single woman with two cats in the past, but future me had other plans, and I’m very thankful for that).
Meeting my girlfriend opened my eyes in so many aspects I couldn’t have predicted. She is a writer and a passionate dreamer, so it was a matter of time for me to feel inspired by her to choose, at last, what my heart wanted. This encounter gave me the courage to start creating comics and take art more seriously in the present. On the other hand, when I imagined the future back then, I thought I’d become an illustrator, but I never considered that I’d love making comics more. I do have two cats (Sofi and Shun), play records in the morning, and set incense. I also do yoga and meditate (I hope my younger self is happy about this), I read lots of books (I finally found my favorite genres and topics of interest), and I discovered that I’m a romantic person (my old self would throw up imagining herself saying this out loud). I live in a cozy apartment with a beautiful view in a quiet neighborhood. I love visiting art galleries, libraries, and museums as my younger self wanted to, and I’ve been writing journals for a very long time now (it’s one of my favorite hobbies). Lastly, I didn’t see this coming, but I became an author, and I’m obsessed with making comics. I’m even collaborating with my girlfriend on a comic called “Before Blooming.”
Unfortunately, I still work in my field. I wish it was different so my past self could have her happy ending, but I’m trying to see it as a way to afford the life I wanted in the meantime.
In retrospect, I think my younger self had this very naive idea that putting a check on a to-do list would make her future life meaningful or happier, but as I get older, I’m more and more convinced that having a “happy life” or a “successful life” (as everyone calls it) is more about being in contact with my purpose (which I think is a constant work in progress) and being honest with myself and what’s important to me in each stage of my life. My interests and passions can change with time, and they don’t define me in any way. It’s the commitment and loyalty to my heart and soul that matters the most to my current self.
The future
Does a “better” version of me exist? I remember watching a video of a woman saying that right or wrong decisions didn’t exist because once we make a choice, the paths we didn’t take disappear, and what we think could be a “better path” is just the illusion of an experience that could’ve gone wrong anyway, and we’ll never know. There’s no way of knowing. But what I do know is that this is my present and the person I became. There’s so much to be grateful for, and there’s so much that is unresolved as well. Would my past self be surprised? Would she be happy if I told her what I became? I’m sure she’d smile nervously at the idea of being a comic artist and having a loving and healthy relationship that is basically two artists and dreamers looking in the same direction. Having a partner that looks at the same future is something I wasn’t expecting. I don’t know what my future self will do about her job. I hope there's eventually a moment in which I can keep my word when I promised myself I’d get a job I love, but in the meantime, I want to enjoy the present I built and give myself the permission to dream big.
The future present looks brighter than it did ten years ago.
Tengo mucho para comentar sobre esta entrada, pero me lo guardaré para conversarlo un día con un café y un libro. Creo que así se le haría más justicia.
Take this from a bloke who hasn’t made a mistake, but after years of not being able to embrace life… but doing 30k worth of art anyway and now finally being a full timer… the trick to getting there is to embrace being the artist first, and enjoying the process of creating… then you get commissions. Because you’re not creating work you hope other people like enough then being the sales agent
Then keep time each day aside (I choose a little in the morning and at night) for creating MY art.
So you can easily make it to full time, if you’d like.
Slightly tougher than part time artist. And sometimes you have to draw stuff you find boring.
But it’s still awesome.